(The Last Supper.  If you were Jesus, and you had one last meal to enjoy with your best friends, what would you say?  What would you eat?  What legacy would you want to leave behind?  Jesus handles it in the most loving way possible, not only teaching the lesson but acting it out.  He washes His disciples’ feet.  Even the feet of those who will betray Him.  The elephant in the room is only known by Jesus, his betrayer, Judas, and John, whom Jesus whispers to.  There is no better perspective to take here than that of the one who betrays.)

Guilt weighs me down like an elephant crushing my lungs. 

What have I done?  I followed Him forever it seemed, and what does He get in return?  He gets caught.  The Romans show no mercy.  They hang their betrayers on a cross.  And now who has been the betrayer?  Who succumbed to give up the Son of God for a few measly coins?

Me.  Judas.

You ask why I did it.  Truth be told, I am not sure.  The idea sounded good at the time.  Now I hate it.  I cannot even believe I schemed with those pathetic Pharisees.  The scum of the earth.  All this time they have been questioning Him, plotting, scheming.  Their hearts are so hard.  For a moment, my heart became the same.  Hard as a stone. 

And all for what?  30 pieces of silver?  Was I insane?  Or am I just human?  The power of wealth had its grip on me.  Just like any other person.  Just like those guys back at the temple, selling their animal sacrifices for the Passover. 

Jesus had His way with them, didn’t He?  Flipping tables.  Righteous anger bubbling over like molten lava.  I have never seen Jesus so upset.  He was spelling it out for me, right then and there.  HE is more important than money!  But I somehow missed the mark.  I numbed myself to the guilt beginning to rack my soul.

But not now.  I cannot take it anymore.  That guilt is choking me to death, and I can’t do a darn thing about it.  Why?  Because of that look He gave me earlier tonight.  You should have seen Him.  It was one of the most heart wrenching experiences of my life.  One by one, He called us up, washing our feet.

When He called my name, I stumbled forward.  I wanted to tell Him to skip me, but there was something in His voice that welcomed me forward.  I had no choice.  Just get it over with I told myself.  I sat down as the other disciples had.  He smiled up at me, but there was something in His eyes.

Something was off.

A pain to deep to express in words was seen.  It was as if He knew.  A single tear slid down the corner of His cheek.  And yet He was still smiling!  He didn’t say a word, but His expression told the entire story.  I felt His words in my heart …

Judas, I still love you.  I know you feel overwhelmed by your sin, but that is why I am going to the cross.  You are free.  Let me take that pain I see in you.  You are worth it.  You are all worth it.  Every last one of you.  You may have betrayed me, but I forgive you.  Now and forever.

Are you kidding me?  He forgives me?  How?  How can I be forgiven when I cannot forgive myself? 

We all ate together.  For the last time, the twelve of us ate with Him.  My mouth was so dry.  I could barely swallow the bread.  It tasted stale.  The wine afterwards helped wash it down.  And there He was, still teaching us.  His body was the bread.  His blood the wine. 

My heart skipped a beat.  Jesus knew!  He knew I was going to betray Him!  He declared it right then and there!  Well, He didn’t mention my name.  He just told us that He knew.  Everyone was shooting glances around the table.  You have never seen such a commotion!  Each whisper was a dagger to my heart. 

I did what any man might do if he were in my shoes.  I lied.  Straight out of my you-know-what.  Another sin.  They just seem to pile up now.  I saw Jesus whispering to John next to Him.  Jesus took a piece of bread and handed it to me.  John’s face was like stone, but pain welled in his eyes when I took the bread.  His lips began to quiver.  His eyes brimmed with tears.  He mouthed a single word to me.

Why?

I couldn’t take it anymore.  The pain I felt was too much to bear.  I had to leave.  The Pharisees were expecting me.  Jesus smiled knowingly.  He told me to do what I had to do.  So, I did.  Nobody thought anything of it.  Everyone except John.  His eyes bore holes into me as I moved out the door. 

Jesus called me one of His disciples.  I am not worthy of that title.  I am the scum of the earth.  A total failure.  I am falling into a black abyss, and I cannot escape.  There is no hope for me.  The night … it has never seemed so dark.  The frigid air … it chills my bones.  My world is caving in.

Dear God!  Help me!

Bible study: Read John 13 and journal about or discuss the following questions …

1. How do the disciples react to having their feet washed? 
2. What point is Jesus trying to act out through this?
3. What commandment does Jesus give the disciples after Judas leaves?  Why might this be difficult for any human to say?
4. Why do you think Jesus calls Peter out?
5. After leaving, how would you predict Judas to feel?
6. If you were to find Judas on his way into the night, what truth would you tell him to help him forgive himself?
7. What do you need to forgive yourself of right now?

Video application: Watch a movie version of the Last Supper below.

Song application: “Point to You” by We Are Messengers

How can I forgive when I can’t forgive myself?
How can I move on when all I have is regret?
How can I face You when I keep turnin’ away?
How can I make it past the noise of my shame?

I need a miracle, some healin’ for my heart
I need a revelation, a brand-new start
I want simplicity where I can rest
But I need a miracle to put my past to death

I know You want my heart, my bruises and my scars
I’m comin’ as I am, the only way I can
I can’t forget from where I’ve come
And what my heart’s been rescued from
Yeah, when they ask me who I owe my whole life to
I’ll point to You
I’ll point to You

Prayer: Father, I know I am so far from perfection.  Forgive me for falling short.  Help me embrace the sweet grace of Your Son, Jesus, so I can live again.  Amen.