Hello, and welcome!  I’m Mike Tirico, your host of the 2024 Olympic Games, but today we have the honor, the privilege of promoting the first annual Teacher Olympics.  Opening ceremonies begin nationwide today as teachers everywhere are begrudgingly entering their classrooms after hibernating for the summer.  Let’s go live to Olathe, Kansas where Language Arts teacher Clint Daniels is preparing.  Clint, how do you feel today?

I have to say, I feel pretty good, Mike.  My hamstrings are a little tight after that horrific F3 workout yesterday, but I am hanging in there. 

Yes, I heard your F3 friend, Flowbee, invited you to the boot camp workout.  How did that work out for you?

Aw, man, the workout was pretty intense.  Do you remember the scene in Braveheart when Robert the Bruce told his father a rebellion as begun?  My hamstrings are telling me that now.  But in no way does it affect my ability to teach.

(Chuckling) Are you sure about that? 

No way whatsoever.  I once taught an entire day of school in the dead of winter when I lost my voice.  I felt fine physically, but my voice was shot.  So, I typed comments on the screen to my students.  All day long.  And I utilized my audiobooks on YouTube as well. True story.

Talk about dedication.  Well, let’s get right down to it.  You are the gold medal favorite in a few events.  Which one are you most excited about?

I would have to say the Bladder Hold.  Being a veteran teacher of 22 years, I feel like I can just power through holding my bladder until lunch time and the end of the day.  I have been practicing this summer.  It was insane.  At Silver Dollar City I really tested myself.  I chugged water all day long since the humidity was so intense, and somehow only peed once. 

I am not sure if that is healthy, Clint, but thank you for letting us know about your unique training.  Let’s move on to another event you are entered in.  The Study Hall event is captivating.  Judges are continually monitoring how you manage your students’ motivation in getting work done when all they want to do is talk.  How do you plan on competing for the gold here?

Well, I don’t want to give away all my tricks, but I have realized that having a sack of candy in my desk is key.  You toss candy across the room like you’re Patrick Mahomes hoping the kids catch it.  All for good behavior.  The students look like little dolphins out there, going, “Eek!  Eek!  Eek!” as they clap their hands begging for more.  It kinda reminds me of Pavlov’s dogs.

Yes, I notice how through the years you have perfected the art of tossing candy.  Hey, another event you are entered in is the Grading Marathon.  This event is literally insane for a Language Arts teacher like you.  Teachers all over will be grading a stack of essays in 26.2 hours.  How do you stay awake that long?

Coffee.  Lots and lots of coffee.  Gotta have the hazelnut creamer to go along with it.  I just keep it flowing through my veins like an IV.  And while I am doing that, it is almost like killing two birds with one stone, because I am training myself for the Bladder Hold. 

But doesn’t coffee make you … uh … have to go number two as well?

Yeah, but I just take the essays with me.

Clint, that is absolutely disgusting.  Isn’t there a law about grading essays in a bathroom stall?  Do you ever worry about what bacteria might be on those essays?

Not at all.  A mans gotta do what a mans gotta do.  I even grade essays in my sleep.  The comments always come out a little wacky, but the kids never know.  They never read my comments.  They just look at their scores and toss em.  I could say something like, “Your essay was great!  My grandpa eats biscuits.  How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?  String cheese, lampshade, radiator.”  The kids just don’t look anymore. 

That is kinda sad.  I mean, you would think the kids would want to know how they could improve. 

Yeah, but the kids these days are a little unique.  Especially middle schoolers.  Your typical Gen Z kid’s attention span is comparable to that of a hamster.  Look it up.

Yes, I saw the research.  Okay, the last event seems like something you might excel at—especially dealing with Gen Z.  They have that lingo they use that is quite different from that of adults.  Tell me all about the Teenage Slang event.

So, this is an incredible idea.  It is Jeopardy formatted and makes you define certain words correctly that the kids use.  You know, words and phrases like bruh, bet, totally lit.  I have studied that book all summer, AND I have two teenage boys at home that play Fortnite all day long. 

I am guessing you hear quite a bit of slang from them?

Sure.  Most recently I learned that the word savage is not referring to cavemen.  Oh, and there are 17 different variations of the meaning for bruh. 

I thought it was 16?

Nope.  It is 17, Mike.  And the word bruh can be used twice in the same sentence.

How?

Oh, a kid might say, “Bruh, what are you doing, bruh?”  Like my oldest son said while playing basketball last week.

Touche.

It truly boggles my mind.  You have to keep up with the kids’ lingo.  I do have a secret way of learning their lingo. 

How is that?

Well, it I don’t want to give that idea away to any of my competitors.  But I will say this.  It may or may not have to do with a certain character I impersonate called Dr. Cringeworthy. 

Ah, yes, I LOVE that guy!  The kids always want you to become Dr. Cringeworthy! 

Yes, and he was born on my YouTube channel many moons ago.  Fun memories.  He is definitely coming with me to my new students at Heritage Christian Academy. 

I am sure they will love to meet him.  Clint, thank you so much for your time today, and best of luck to you as you enter the 2024-2025 school year. 

Thanks, Mike!  Happy to be here.  And if you are a teacher reading this, please reply below with which events you think would make the Teacher Olympics even better.  Who knows?  They might even take your suggestions!

(The above blog may or may not have been written because Clint Daniels has way too much time on his hands over the last week of summer. As a matter of fact, shouldn’t Clint be prepping for the school year? He should probably stop writing here.)